Some days I want to come here & write, but I stop myself. My emotional state as of late has been less than stellar. Asshole keeps picking at me. I keep fighting back. It is making me sick. It is making me tired. It is making me wish that it was November. It makes me scared.

That relationship was dysfunctional at best from the beginning. Never the less I spent fifteen fucking years of my life trying to make it better. Did I think I was going to change him? Absolutely not. You can't change a person. Only they can change themselves. I guess maybe I had seen the dysfunction in my own family growing up & thought this was normal. The male figure worthless, thinking only of themselves.

He accuses me of causing all the stress in his life. Funny, I ask for NOTHING. He's the one having to sneak around to fuck the married tub, not me. He accuses me of trying to control his life. Interesting considering I am the one that is always stuck unless he's available to take me somewhere, which he never is. He is apparently confusing me with her. She tells him when to come & go, what to wear, where they are going to eat. I sit at home, alone, because all my friends have disappeared & it is too hot for me to be out on the bus. I'll start puking. Funny how when you need something most of your friends scatter. That's OK. I know where I stand now.

I have a handful of friends anymore that I can count on for anything & several of them don't even live in this state. One calls me almost every night to make sure I'm OK. The other is Jeb who is kind enough to kick me in the ass when I need it. He's also there just to bullshit which takes my mind off other things.  I doubt he really realizes what he does for me.

As of today there are 150 days until my lease is up. At this point I don't know if I will be immediately re-locating or if that will take place in January. I should know more as it gets closer to time. All I know right now is that I am scared as fuck to move. I've said it before & I will say it again, I've never, in my adult life, been alone. Ever. I have always had a hard time being by myself. Why do you think this blog was started in the first place? Even if I was talking to no one, I was still talking. I hate being completely alone. HATE IT. Yet, that is what I am about to be. Alone in a place where I have one friend & two acquaintances. I won't even have the dog. I'll be completely & utterly alone. I'm crying just thinking about it.

I really, really want this to be one of the best decisions I have ever made in my life. I never once thought that at almost 40 I wouldn't be in the relationship that started when I was 22. I never thought I would be alone. I never thought I would move someplace where I know no one. I never thought I would be starting over. I want this to be exciting & full of promise. Right now it is just like walking into the big scary woods alone at night during a full moon with wolves howling all around you.